One of the clearest lessons I’ve learned in couple therapy is this: if the work does not extend into the life of the couple between sessions, change does not happen. Full stop.

You cannot do effective couple therapy purely in the room. The relationship does not live there. It lives in everyday interaction, in what happens once the session ends. If nothing changes in that space, the therapy stays contained to talk, regardless of how coherent or emotionally engaged the sessions appear.

Between-session work is not “homework” and it is not about adding pleasant activities or symbolic gestures. It has three specific functions.

The first is interruption. It disrupts established patterns and corrosive behaviours, including the constant urge to talk about the relationship, analyse it, or try to resolve it informally. That kind of talking is usually part of the existing pattern, not a step out of it.

The second function is soothing. The work reintroduces small, structured, moment-to-moment interactions that reduce stress and activation. These are ordinary, repeatable actions that lower the intensity of the relationship and make it feel livable again. Sometimes the function is simply to make the relationship feel worth staying in.

The third function is restructuring interaction itself. This is about changing conversations, because conversations are the foundation of a relationship. Not date nights. Not sex. Not shared interests. The work between sessions is where couples learn to have conversations on a moment-to-moment level in which both people feel heard and listened to, while also having to lean in, tolerate discomfort, and engage with compromise.

Very quickly, how couples engage with the between-session work becomes the most reliable indicator of progress. Not whether they understand it, but how they do it, resist it, bend it, or avoid it. That tells you far more about capacity for change than insight ever will.

In practice, progress in couple therapy is decided by what couples are willing and able to change in their daily interaction, repeatedly, and under constraint. Everything else is secondary.