One of the things I’ve learned over years of working with couples is how powerful the unspoken rules of conversation can be. Every relationship has them. They’re rarely conscious or malicious, but they quietly decide whose version of reality carries more weight. Who defines what’s “reasonable,” what’s “too much,” what “really happened.” Over time, that quiet authority becomes invisible. It just feels like how things are.

I call this definitional privilege—the subtle power to shape meaning. It’s not about control; it’s about whose language the relationship ends up speaking. You can hear it in the small moments: who interrupts, who explains, who re-narrates, who goes quiet. Definitional privileges reveal the unspoken rules by which the relationship, as a system, functions. No one is doing it to anyone; it’s simply how the structure organises itself.

The work is then about rebalancing these privileges—helping both partners regain authorship of the shared story. And as therapists, it also means watching our own bias. It’s easy to privilege the narrative that sounds more articulate, logical, or psychologically fluent, while missing the emotional truth in the less polished voice. Real change begins when both versions of reality are allowed to shape the story. When the language of the relationship starts to belong to both.