Chemistry, Friction and the Healthy Relationship

This week someone asked me that old question again: “How do you know if a relationship is good for you?” People ask as if there should be a formula. The real answer starts much earlier—with why we choose who we choose.

People often wonder why certain people feel instantly familiar, why the chemistry is strong, why the physical attraction feels effortless. We call it compatibility or fit. But the truth is less romantic: early attraction is not about fit. It is about the blueprint.

Blueprints are the internal maps we form in childhood—shaped by our parents and early relationships—about who we are, who others are, and what relationships feel like. And the uncomfortable truth is this: we are first attracted to people who fit that blueprint. Not because they grow us, but because they feel familiar. Chemistry is simply the nervous system recognising something old.

This is not conscious. Someone raised by a domineering parent may feel drawn to domineering partners. Others do the opposite and attach to very passive partners—the blueprint repeated from the other pole. Both feel like chemistry. Neither guarantees growth.

This is where adulthood asks something different. Attraction is automatic. Growth is intentional. The blueprint tells you who feels right. The adult question is: “Who helps me grow?” These paths lead to very different relationships. A blueprint fit feels inevitable. A growth partner won’t fit you perfectly—they disrupt you just enough to wake you up, not enough to break you.

But this doesn’t mean choosing someone who tries to reshape you. People often twist the idea of growth into a justification for control. “I want you to grow,” they say, while pushing their partner to be more empathic, more communicative, more regulated—more like the idealised version in their head. That’s conditionality: “I’ll come closer when you become easier for me.” And nothing kills a relationship faster.

Healthy relationships don’t require you to stop being yourself. They don’t operate as renovation projects. They live between two extremes: the pure blueprint match (high chemistry, low growth) and chronic conditionality (where one person keeps adjusting to stay acceptable).

The healthy space is in the middle. Enough connection to feel close. Enough friction to grow. Enough fit to create ease. Enough difference to expand you. Neither person abandons themselves, but both are shaped by the contact.

So when people ask how to know if a relationship is good for them, the answer isn’t in the intensity of the chemistry or the absence of conflict. It’s in the space between instinct and intention. Attraction pulls you toward what’s familiar. Growth asks you to move toward what’s real. A healthy relationship holds both—and that’s what makes it last.